So after telling someone and being taken away, I stayed with my grandma for a little bit. And in no imagination was I a perfect child. I stole the things I wanted, clothes, food, cigarettes. I ran away, I took overdoses to make me sick. I probably wasn’t very nice. So I understand when they say they couldn’t cope. I lived with my nan and granddad for a little bit but they couldn’t deal with me either. I suppose I wasn’t an easy child, I was upset, angry, had been majorly abused but no one was acknowledging it like a bad thing.
Anyways, I went to a Foster family. Foster family’s are meant to be filled with love. And some times it was were. Recently I’ve done a course courtesy of Elizabeth Shaw (please look her and the course up, it changed my life), regarding narcissists and they absolutely were narcissists.
Things started well but in reflection seeing a Foster dad belittling his sons and the other Foster child there was bad.
Nothing was ever good enough. I was a child that needed love, caring, understanding and what I got were strict, highly religious, racist, homophobic abusers.
As I started to act up or steal (it was a horrid habit that luckily fizzled out) they would belittle me, they would tell me I was a waste of space, no one would love me. Bare in mind I’ve come from an abusive background.
I was so angry all the time, I got in arguments because things were unfair. Yes unfair. Not just a teenager thinking there parents are being silly. But people that make a 13 year old drink wine and tell them their a hethan if they don’t, or saying no one will love you because your room is a mess isn’t fair.
I remember they didn’t let me go on a huge Disney land trip at school because I didn’t get my Grandad a birthday card. I mean that’s a bit of an over reaction.
Daily the dad would belittle and be mean to his wife. Calling her stupid woman or just shouting at her. No wonder she was depressed. He would do the same to his sons. Now, they say see you were treated like us, like family ;well that still doesn’t excuse the behaviour.
Nothing was ever good enough, tidy your room; one thing out of place get shouted out, didn’t bring that 5p back from a fare; get shouted at. Don’t want to eat your dinner because you’re full or food you didn’t like; forced to eat it.
I suppose I was rebellious because I didn’t think things were okay, I knew it wasn’t okay. I wanted to tell social services but my Foster mother would say noone else would love you, you wouldn’t find another nice family. I thought they were nice enough but they made out like I was going to be taken to a children’s home. So I stayed I was scared, miserable, I wanted to die.
As I got older it didn’t get better I just got more wise and pissed off. I deliberately failed my GCSEs because they said I would never amount to anything and I would get pregnant and just stack shelves for the rest of my life. So unfortunately instead of proving them wrong I went the other way and gave up.
Speaking of giving up: I wanted to die, I needed help and all I was getting was mistreated. I took overdoses making me sick, I cut myself, cut my wrists deep. I wrote poems about suicide and when they found them all I got was how selfish, you’re going to hell. I have to say I wasn’t an easy child /teenager, I stole money, food, stuff out of my Foster brothers room which I so wish to this day I didn’t.
I went to a therapist because they said there was something wrong with me and I told them about what was happening and of course the report went to the Foster parents and so I never got that help again. Just shouted at for blaming someone else.
But I did blame myself everyday. Blame myself for not telling someone sooner about all my abuse, or not killing myself sooner.
My father killed himself in a car crash when I was 19 and for years I was sad I didn’t get to see him more. I even named my son after his middle name. Unfortunately I’ve found out some horrific things about him which I can’t share unfortunately due to someone else’s safety. But yeah both parents and fosters parents just not nice.
I have to sign off now and hug my children. They will never go through any of this. Until next time!!!!